Fucked Up Life

I often wonder how fucked up a life can be and when I look at my life I'm sure that there's no limit. I've been withholding a lot of emotions and desires what I believed to be good for me 'couse I know how messy things can get.

But something happened and I lost my balance.

I tried to stay put but I started to stray and with everything so hazy I needed to find solid ground. I needed comfort, to feel safe, guarded. But with everything stirring out of control inside me how could I? Once you lose the grasp on the randomness of that Chaos it's hard to get it back.

I did my best, but I couldn't feel it. I don't know how to feel it, how to accept it. As a matter of fact I believe I never did. A new process that I had forgotten about. Important but how to touch that place inside if, right now, you have no idea of what you might be bringing back???

Twisted Place

I wonder how sick and twisted a person can be. Is kind of should be long gone by now but it isn't. I should fell something good but I don't. Trash, garbage, useless. A void like felling that never stops.

Human nature is disgustingly facinating, isn't it? Even though you have a lot that doesn't complete the million part of what is missing. So we ask what is missing and nobady has the answer. Everybody knows ther's no answer but we keep asking. Why all this torture, this sadistic behavior.

One more time I have to say that life is overrated. So many blury roads with no walkable path. It doesn't matter does it? Just cowardness, thats what it is.

I just don't care anymore, or care to much. Hard to guess...

There is something wrong with this picture

OK. Now I'm confused! How can I be writing this? Today is August 3.

There is something very wrong with this picture.

This so doesn't feel right. All I did last week wasn't what I was supposed to, so it makes sense that things didn't end as expected. I wasn't prepared. I wasn't ready. Will I ever be ready.

You are just a fool trying to fool your self. That's what you are. If it was me, I would have ended with this shit a long time ago. We wish. What changed? Nothing, what makes everything worse to bare. Is anyone going to do something about it? Of course not. What is there to be done? A few things, sure. Who is going to do it? That is a problem. Weak, all weak. Stand up and do something. But you can't, you're to scared. Of what? Good question. Can you answer it? No, neither can I.

For how long this is going to stay like this? In the middle, without a decision, waiting for someone to step up. Who knows... Who cares...

Obsessing

Come on. Seriously!!!

How is it possible that I went back to the obsessing state of mind? I don't wanna handle it right now. All that void that consumes my inner being when I see Him or It. It's way to fucked up. What do I want, better saying, what do I need? Do we need anything? Of course we do, we are humans. As if this statement would make me feel better. It's a great deal to be human.

Feelings are overrated. Relationships are overrated. Existence is overrated. Life is overrated. Why give a shit about any of these things? Because we are humans. Humanity is overrated.

So I want it, badly. "It" isn't so hard to get, just make a little effort, but him... Or should I say them.

Closure

It`s incredible how it might come in a array of ways. I cought my self having this experience quite often lately.

A music or a band for example. I don`t really like Oasis, or I thogut I didn`t but I was checking up on a friends old writtings and I saw this song name. I knew it was Oasis becouse I remember reading that thing before. So I decided to listen to the song. Fuck three times.

The relationship I have with the band is the same I have with winter! Why? Is it because of the time I "met" the band? Is it Because they come from the North? Or is it because all those feeling I had while I was listening to them and what I felt during winter were the same?? Gotcha!

Some people keep their memories in their mind. Some, on the pictures they`ve taken. Or their post cards, letters, simple objects or movies. I keep mine on music. All my memories are attached to this amazing way of expression. This is a tip for those who need to find some, how can I put it, Closure.

I just realized that I din`t want to listen to them because it made me feel sad. Just like winter. It takes me back to one of my deepest dark spots. A darkness I haven`t felt so strong in years and I felt it again in the begining of this winter. But its what the clichê says: "When you spend to much time in the darkness you learn how to see in the dark."

I don`t mind anymore. I made peace with it. I can`t fight it and I wont. It`s much better to embrace it. Use it as a Leverage. What is not so hard as it might be to same people. That`s the deal. We are compeled to fight, when we should be compeled to understand it. Not be afraid of what you might find couse, some times, it isn`t preatty.

Today is the last day of my life

Today is the last day of my life. It sounds poetic, if it wasn't so tragic. We never know when it's over until it is. And that's it, over.

Realize that all those feelings weren't real, that it was all a learning process of how things work, or better saying, how they should work. Finding that out is empty. At first I thought that this sensation I had on my skin was pain, but than I saw that it was an itch. An itch that I couldn't scratch even if I wanted to. Why, why that was happening?

Is this the feeling of eminent death? So that's how the end tastes like? Bullshit!! No taste, no feeling, just fear spreading out of the nothingness that it is.

Doubt

We all have doubts in our lives. But how to get through them. So many roads to choose and an end for everything. All there it is ends some day. And it's scary, not to know what's to come after. We are all aware that it will happen and still get tormented about it. What if I hadn't done all I could and there is so much.

Scary. That's how the end looks like. I still have a few to say like I Love You. For the first time I admited to myself that I Love You and the next thing that came to my mind is that it doesn't matter anymore. Should I say it or not? Would it make any diference? We get tired some time. To wonder. To not make the move.

But at the same time the last moments brings out courage, to do the things that you thought you never could. Good Bye. I can say it now, it's not as hard as I thought. It's either say it or do it.

No regrets.

Just a little bit of pain.

It's over when it's over

Pois então que chegamos ao fim. Mas o que diabos é o fim? O pior é que no fim, isso não interessa.

O meu fim é esse. O melhor que eu poderia ser, tudo que eu poderia fazer, o máximo que eu poderia sentir. Sentir. Um desperdício agora que tudo que sinto se foi, ele não mais faz sentido. A descrença total em um futuro possível te leva a um estado irreal de nostalgia. Como nos tempos em que nada era importante, apenas o agora, a roda, a bola...

Qual a verdade do todo se o todo não está completo, se não compreendemos as partes. Será necessário então esperar? Mas qual o sentido então? Não há, esta seria a questão. Porque indagar se a caminhada, mesmo depois de tantas bifurcações, leva à uma rua sem saída.

It's over when it's over.

Vi isso e quis compartilhar

41 45MA71C0 V1 I550 4QU1 3 M3 L3M8R31 D3 V0C3
3M UM D14 D3 V3R40, 3574V4 N4 PR414,
0853RV4ND0 DU45 CR14NC45 8R1NC4ND0 N4
4R314.
3L45 7R484LH4V4M MU170
C0N57RU1ND0 UM C4573L0 D3 4R314,
C0M 70RR35, P4554R3L45 3 P4554G3NS 1N73RN45.
QU4ND0 3575V4M QU453 4C484ND0,
V310 UM4 0ND4 3 D357RU1U 7UD0,
R3DU21ND0 0 C4573L0 4 UM M0N73
D3 4R314 3 35PUM4. 4CH31 QU3,
D3P015 D3 74N70 35F0RC0 3 CU1D4D0,
45 CR14NC45 C41R14M N0 CH0R0,
C0RR3R4M P3L4 PR414, FUG1ND0 D4 4GU4,
R1ND0 D3 M405 D4D45 3 C0M3C4R4M
4 C0N57RU1R 0U7R0 C4573L0.
C0MPR33ND1 QU3 H4V14 4PR3ND1D0 UM4 GR4ND3 L1C40;
G4574M05 MU170 73MP0 D4 N0554 V1D4
C0N57RU1ND0 4LGUM4 C0154 3 M415 C3D0
0U M415 74RD3, UM4 0ND4 P0D3R4 V1R 3 D357RU1R
7UD0 0 QU3 L3V4M05 74N70
73MP0 P4R4 C0N57RU1R.
M45 QU4ND0 1550 4C0N73C3R 50M3N73
4QU3L3 QU3 73M 45 M405 D3 4LGU3M
P4R4 53GUR4R, 53R4 C4P42 D3 50RR1R!!
S0 0 QU3 P3RM4N3C3 3 4 4M124D3,
0 4M0R 3 C4R1NH0. 0 R3570 3 F3170 4R314 !!

O meu desejo de compartilhar não foi pela história que é quase um clichê. Na verdade é um puta clichê. Mas fiz porque achei interessante como no início, pelo menos comigo, você demora um pouco para pegar o significado de cada número e já pela metade você lê como se fossem letras facilmente.

E o fodas?

In the middle of nowhere...

Pois é isso mesmo. No meio do nada. Os questionamentos que surgem de repente sem dar aviso são um saco. Descostruir tudo aquilo que você veio construindo sua vida inteira não é tão simples quanto as pessoas pensam. E nem deveriaser pra falar a verdade.

Tudo bem, amadurecemos e crescemos ao longo da vida mas nem por isso o que acreditamos deve passar a "não ser".

A pior parte e se sentir impotente diante da vida. è essa ai mesmo, que todos querem dar sentido. Ter que reavaliar tudo, tudo mesmo só porque você não cabe ali. Vai pra p... Não concordo. Mas quem sou eu. Sou taxado de louco por ter uma visão diferente do que é ou deveria ser e por isso deveria eu mudar. HAHAHA

Pobres mortais somos nós que tentamos nos convencer de que somos algo imprecindíveis. Foi mau ai mas não acredito na humanidade. Menos ainda na vida. 

Todos ai tentando dar sentido a ela quando na verdade ela não tem sentido algum. Todos em um ato desespertador de negação procurando algo para continuar seguindo em frente.

Dramático? Um pouco, adimito. Mas mentira??? Cabe a cada um se perguntar e analisar dentro de si...

Cansado!!! Muito cansado...

De sua querida  Nikita